“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.