I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
He wanted to make sure😂
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.