Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
You Might Also Like
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing