Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Follow me for more life hacks.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
j o i m p
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Husband of the year 😂
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.