Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.