My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..