walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Succinctly put.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.