Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth