I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
so i’m at the stock market right
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.