What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY