God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?