A roof is a house hat.
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.