Mornin
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Love this one 😂🧟
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
This was the best day of my life
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.