My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*pronounces UPS like yoops
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame