I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON