Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
💯😂
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners