dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
when mom throws a party…
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind