beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.