Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You Might Also Like
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
mmm onion ringos
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.