In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
hi why am I like this
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.