Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly