my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer