Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?