Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
mood
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
This is my bus stop.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
All is fair in drunk and war.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Anyone really
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.