[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven