10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Yes my dude
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why