Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
So, can we agree on 4 or
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.