umm…
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My wife gives the best headache.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air