People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot