Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously