I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌