Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Something Saturday.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Do not levitate over flowers
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
i spent way too long on this
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.