My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I love twitter
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name