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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When I laugh on my period
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.