Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
This kid is a star!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?