People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target