parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”