Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You Might Also Like
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.