a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
repaired
I am, perchance
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?