Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
You Might Also Like
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Candles never taste the way they smell
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
so this horse walks into a bar