I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
the council will decide your fate
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
New comic up. “Ransom”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”