It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Shortcut
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.