I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
The Backseat Boys
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*