If you need a laugh.. 😅
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Had an epiphany today.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
i’m still crying at this
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m confused about plants
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Have kids, they said
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.