Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Before & after 😅
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that