My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
happy mother’s day❤️
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”