Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
You Might Also Like
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
hackers play passwordle
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.