I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
You Might Also Like
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….