Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro