i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Love this guy
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?